Cold Rice and a Little Rat Meat

Rant: Don't Nominate 10 Pictures If Only Five Can Win

2010-03-07T12:16:00.001-08:00

Check out my article for the Oscar's, which is funny, since I can't watch it tonight.

http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Oscar-Rant-Don-t-Nominate-10-For-Best-Picture-If-Only-5-Can-Win-17357.html

The Top Ten Most Important Launch Titles Of All Time

2010-02-01T15:38:00.001-08:00

Check out my new article: http://cinemablend.com/games/The-Top-Ten-Most-Important-Launch-Titles-Of-All-Time-22594.html

Culturally relevant

2009-11-23T18:56:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPTXJUcnz5c&feature=related

Living the Good Life

2009-11-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

"I warsh myself with a rag on a stick"

The most important photograph...possiblely ever

2009-11-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

Oliver Stone is Pretty Much a Joke Now

2009-09-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Oliver Stone, director of such highly acclaimed (I’m not saying good) movies as Platoon (Overrated with a side of Charlie Sheen), Wall Street (More Sheen), and JFK (Actually pretty good), is pretty much a joke now, as I said in the title up above. I’m pretty sure this happened by the time he put a hand over his heart while a single tear drop slid down his face when he made World Trade Center, which was his first PG-13 movie, well, pretty much ever.

What’s the problem making a movie about 9/11, you ask?

Well, it came out years ago and it’s not relevant today, so who cares, but seriously, Stone was once known as a rebel director in Hollywood, so it’s a little disheartening to see him go all “proud to be an American” on us.

Personally, I’ve never been a fan of his, but I’ve always respected him.
For instance, one of my favorite movies ever is Natural Born Killers (Which the public blatantly hated), and the reason why is because it’s so vibrantly counter-culture, slapping the audience in the face with its message of what a TV-obsessed (At the time, I mean. If it were made today, it would probably involve snuff on the internet or something), violence desensitized culture we are, and how we actually love it.

And THAT, my friends, is what I call rebel filmmaking.

You know what’s NOT rebel filmmaking, though? A movie about George W. Bush that doesn’t make him look all that bad at all, but actually, a little likeable even. Sure, Bush at this time in his presidency, which was dwindling down to the days by this point, was maligned for the past four years, so a movie that out and out bashed him would have been pretty dry and boring. But a movie that didn’t really have any real push or direction at all, a movie that was so middle of the line that I actually felt like I was watching a day in the life of George Bush (Which might have actually been Stone’s aim)? Well, that’s just plain old BORING filmmaking, and the rebel in Stone appears to have been smoldered out in age; like the rebel has finally found out that being patriotic isn’t all that bad as long as you still get to drink Iced Tea on the porch and look at the sunset until it goes away for the night.

And will you just look at Stone’s NEXT movie?! It’s something that he hasn’t done before in the entirety of his career—a sequel! And not to Natural Born Killers, mind you, which left off with a morally ambiguous ending in which the killers actually get away with it, but to Wall Street, which is most likely to align with the current economic malaise, of course.

It might not be a bad idea, really, especially if the OLD Stone (Which doesn’t really make sense, since he was actually younger back then), were making it. But this new Stone, I mean, come on. Casting Shia Ledouche, I mean, LaBeouf, to be in it? What is this? Did Spielberg have something to do with this? I’m pretty sure he must have because he’s pretty much Shia’s biggest fan.

Granted, I’m entirely basing this on the fact that Stone’s last two movies were garbage (schwa sound on the second “a”), but this just SCREAMS desperation to me. Why make a sequel? Why not make an entirely DIFFERENT movie to Wall Street that still deals with the same themes of the old adage, “Greed is good”? It could even be a spiritual successor or something like that, but NOT a sequel. Sequels typically suck, especially when it comes to dramas.

Plain and simple, Oliver Stone is a joke of a director now, and he’s lost whatever fire he once had. Here’s hoping somebody else can pick up the torch now.
And I’m NOT talking about Michael Moore.

I Blame YOU For The Ego and Success Of Monsieur, Kanye West (Yes, You, With The Strange Looking Sunglasses With the Lines Across the Eyes)

2009-09-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

Kanye West is a monster and it’s all-your-fault. Yes, that’s right, I said you, Mr. or Mrs. backwards hat person. YOU created him, and don’t even deny it. You know deep down in your heart that I’m right, and it scares you. Scares you all the way to iTunes to buy 808s & Heartbreak, you fool!

You see, when Kanye West released his first album, College Dropout (I’ll still go on record to say that it was actually pretty good), he was just waiting for you to pat him on the back for that one. He thought he deserved it after all. I mean, you could even hear his boastful ways all over the album. I’m not going back to school this, Kanye’s workout plan that, Jesus walks this. Seriously, people, the message was clear—He doesn’t want to go back to school to workout with Jesus! (Why, I never!)

The message was simple enough (I mean, even a cavemen at Progressive Insurance could figure it out), but you just HAD to say things like, “Honestly, College Dropout is the best rap album of the year,” even though the lyrics were seconded only to Carrot Top’s delivery of jokes. Seriously, I KNOW you liked the beats and all (Yes, they WERE pretty catchy, even if they WERE all stolen note for note), but that’s ALL you liked and that’s it. You DIDN’T like the lyrics, and you DIDN’T like the skits. You just liked the beats. Like everybody else, you were blinded. I’m going to put you in the Z100 crowd. You know what I mean—the people who only listen to rap music so they can “dance” to it. That’s you!

But let me tell you something, Roger, rap is not about the money, it’s about the message, so just remember that the next time you’re at the club grinding up against a girl who should be in bed by this time since she has school tomorrow and is only fifteen years old with a push up bra and a pretty smile.

But I digress, back to Kanye West (I made a rhymey-o!).

Okay, so Kanye makes a pretty catchy debut album, fine and good. But THEN, he releases a SECOND album, which was nowhere NEAR as good as the first one, but you STILL went on to proclaim him as being the freshest new thing—Just look at those sunglasses! And that preppy look, ooh la la—which boosted his ego even MORE so. Do you have any idea what you were doing to this man back then? You were driving his ego up the WAZOO! You were making him an addict for attention, and he thrived off of it just like the whore that he is.

For instance, did you complain when Kanye West, pouting like he just lost his dog in a Pop Tart related incident, said on live TV that, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,”? No, you said, yeah, George Bush DOESN’T care about black people. Kanye is right, yeah!

Did you complain when Kanye West stood on stage at the Grammy’s, and got all upset because he didn’t win best new artist? No, you said, pointing austerely at the cartoony cover of College Dropout, “That man was robbed!”

And Kanye agrees with you. He DAMN well agrees. You know, last summer, I went to Lollapalooza, and I saw Kanye West live—because the crowd at Nine Inch Nails was just too sweaty for me. And you know what Kanye had the sand to say?

He said something along the lines of, (I’m paraphrasing, of course), When you talk to your kids in the future about who their favorite artist is, you tell them that they didn’t do it like Kanye did.

Note that he said this while sitting on a stair, sweating like a pig.

He then went on to talk about why he didn’t understand why people would get upset when he compares himself to John Lennon, and you know what, he’s RIGHT!
YOU made him feel this way. YOU’RE the one who bought his shitty ass records, purchasing Graduation by the assloads, even though it wasn’t any good. YOU’RE the one who didn’t mind all that much that his latest album, 808s & Heartbreak, is pretty much just all Auto-tunes nonsense, and that there isn’t a creative bone in his entire body (Not even in the femur area, where the AMA says creativity is supposed to reside the most).

So now, about a week or two ago, Kanye West grabs the mic out of Taylor Swift’s hand at the VMA’s to talk about Beyonce Knowles, big Whoopy Goldberg! Why would you stop applauding him now? Do you get upset when you create a constantly defecating Easy Bake Oven creature and it one day craps its pants before a Scientology gathering? No, you turn him around, pat his back, and allow him to change his slacks in a bush because he’s your problem now, and you made him what he is—A constantly defecating Easy Bake Oven creature (I just like saying that).

That’s what you should be doing for Kanye now, too. That IS the kind of monster that you created after all—a constantly defecating monster that keeps pumping out terrible albums year after year. Be proud, mama or papa, because he’s all yours now! And he will be forever as long as you keep buying his garbage.

So the message here, people? Stop it! Let the monster go back to the sea.

Twitter is NEVER going to be the New Facebook, and here’s why (as a haiku!)

2009-09-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

Twitter, tweeting, buh!

No Mob Wars or Farmville, huh?

Twitter Needs Games, duh!

False Hope: Promising "Indian" Actor Isn't Really Indian At All

2009-09-13T08:16:00.001-07:00

You know who REALLY gets the ass end of the stick when it comes to being in Hollywood?

Indians.

People can cry all they want until their make-up smears down their face that there aren't enough blacks in Hollywood, but that's bull feces. While I'll agree that there aren't gazillions of blacks on TV or in the movies (you can pretty much count all of them on your six fingers and toes), Denzel Washington, Jamie Foxx, Forest Whitaker and Halle Berry have ALL won Academy Awards, Samuel L. Jackson STILL thinks there are too many motherf*ckin' snakes on this motherf*ckin' plane, and Will Smith is still the black Tom Hanks, as he can fill pretty much any role, so yeah, there are at least SOME prominent black actors in Hollywood that you can still call upon.

But who do Indians have? They have (or should I say, "had," since he's with Obama now) Kal Penn, and I guess you can count Slumdog Millionaire star, Dev Patel, but that's it. Freida Pinto? Maybe, but she hasn't really done anything noteworthy yet besides get signed on to a Woody Allen film, so that doesn't count.

But...? No but's! That's exactly the point I'm trying to make. Indians are SOL when it comes to being outside of Bollywood.

And while Asians have also been sorely neglected in Hollywood(Does Roofio from Hook count?) at least the ones they do have aren't ALWAYS the crowning joke in every scene, with many martial arts films showing respectable Asians in intense drama. But Indians are usually either taxi drivers or newspaper vendors with HIGHLY thick accents and VERY stereotypical actions. Really, they're the "gays" of American cinema, always being WAY overacted and usually only showing the one side of themselves that many people attribute them to instead of other facets of themselves, making them highly one dimensional characters.

But there's hope! Or at least, I thought there was, but that turned out to be false hope, as most things in life turn out to be.

I first saw a trailer to the new NBC show, Trauma, when I went to go see a movie, and I saw an "Indian" character who actually looked pretty cool.

His character's name is "Rabbit," and as is customary with seeing Indians on the big screen, the first time I saw him, I laughed. This "Rabbit" character was piloting a helicopter while another helicopter went spiraling out of control and he stared into the camera and said, "I love my jobe."

You can actually see what I'm talking about here on YouTube. It's near the end at 55 seconds:

After seeing that scene, I was like, "Whaaaaat?" and everybody got a good laugh at the Indian, as is standard whenever you see them in movies.

But after seeing another clip of the show, where "Rabbit," tells a demur hottie that he can't die and winds up driving his car recklessly across the city streets only to get punched in the face by her in the end for putting her in such danger, I thought, well, hell, this is freaking awesome, and I became instantly interested at just who this cool Indian guy was.

Well, the dream is over, people--the guy's name is Cliff Curtis, and he's not Indian at all, but rather, Maori, which, really, is even more rare to see in a movie than an Indian if you ask me. Cliff Curtis, I have found, is actually a REALLY diverse actor, playing everybody from Pablo Escobar in the movie, Blow (Oh, so that was hiiiiim)to the guy who goes totally nuts at the end of Sunshine. So yeah, Cliff Curtis is one hell of an actor who I'm sure you've probably seen before and probably even thought he was Indian yourself, but alas, no dice. So, I guess that means that Indians should prepare for another ten years or so before you get another actor like Kal Penn (I'm told he was really pretty killer in The Namesake). Oh, well, too bad. Let's hope we'll see one sooner than later.

America's Best (Gay) Dance Crew--Why Vogue Evolution Has No Shot In Hell

2009-08-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

Photo received from MTV at: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/photoshoot3.jpg&imgrefurl=http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/tag/vogue-evolution/&usg=__Fxzd9uz4rUrBBBTiSnt5GMy6ZQg=&h=410&w=540&sz=316&hl=en&start=12&um=1&tbnid=C5LAmsLP2sXSAM:&tbnh=100&tbnw=132&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dvogue%2Bevolution%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1

Vogue Evolution is by FAR the best dance group on ABDC this year, and they've blown me away both two weeks ago and just this past week, with routines that are truly, "Whoa, Jabba!" good, or "Whoa, Questcrew!" good. (Notice, I didn't say, "Whoa, Super Cr3w" good. Because they suck.)

Nonetheless, they were still VERY close to being in the bottom two last Sunday with some of the fewest votes out of all of the contestants, meaning, that featherweight DC group, Beat Ya Feet Kings, got more votes than them if one is to believe that AC Slater announces the crews in descending order for who got the most votes for the week. And that's just plain criminal if that's the case because Vogue Evolution is amazing.

But there's a Catch-22 to all this and it's one that I think VE can't escape.

For a group to be openly gay, they can't win, as America is full of idiots. But being openly gay is what makes Vogue Evolution so unique as it really allows them to express themselves on stage, making them really vibrant and exciting to watch.

So basically, with that said, they're feces out of fortuitousness.

But wait, I can back all this up! There have been PLENTY of gay folks on ABDC in the past, plenty of 'em. But they've never announced it openly like Vogue Evolution has. Now, Adam Lambert, American Idol extraordinaire, is VERY gay. You could see it by like, the fourth episode. But he never openly SAID he was gay. Not once.

Yeah, sure, he walked out in platform boots and wore glitter around his eyes, but a lot of folks during the 80s hair metal era of rock did that, too, and that didn't mean that THEY were gay (At least, I don't think it did).

Really, it wasn't until the entire AI season ended that Lambert fully outed himself, and it was in Rolling Stone Magazine, no less. If you're going to kick down that closet door, you might as well do it with a cool magazine like RS. In Touch just won't cut it if you want to maintain your image.

But then, you have a group like Vogue Evolution that spoiled the "surprise" in the very first week, opening their entry video stating that they were not only gay, but that they were proud of it, which is a big nish-nish in America. It's probably a big nish-nish everywhere in the world, really.

I mean, if I had said this in the very first week that America would roundly ignore them for being gay, THEN you could say that I'm full of Hong Kong hooey. But they were nearly in the bottom two just this past Sunday, even after having the best performance next to the Massive Monkees and Rhythm City in the first week. I mean, are you honestly going to tell me that the countrified "hick-hop" group, Southern Movement, is better than Vogue Evolution? Hell no!

I hate to state the obvious, but it's because Vogue Evolution is GAY that America will never vote for them.

The one consolation prize though is that the judges love them. Even so, America doesn't, and I predict that even after their stunning performance last week for the Beyonce competition, they'll still be in the bottom two next Sunday, probably either with Beat Ya Feet Kings, or Southern Movement. The judges will of COURSE save them, as how could they not? They're fabulous. But how long can the judges vote against America? How long?

What are your thoughts on all this though?

Here's a clip of Vogue Evolution's moves the first week. Seriously, they're freaking amazing.

Jon Gosselin Is Only 32

2009-08-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Image retrieved from: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://cdn.sheknows.com/realitytvmagazine/2009/07/jon-kate-plus-8-jon-gosselin.jpg&imgrefurl=http://realitytvmagazine.sheknows.com/blog/2009/07/18/jon-gosselin-just-wants-to-feel-young-again/&usg=__P6f258suzOs14nrKOQrWc0goG3o=&h=629&w=331&sz=25&hl=en&start=2&um=1&tbnid=rM9oGpldTJsQEM:&tbnh=137&tbnw=72&prev=/images%3Fq%3DJon%2BGosselin%2B32%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1

I don’t know why people think Jon Gosselin is having a mid-life crisis, I mean, he’s only 32.

Like, when people say, “Hey, that Glassman chick you used to date is 10 years younger than you.” I don’t see what the big deal was. I mean, Jon Gosselin is only 32. It’s not like he’s old or anything like that.

Or like, when he walks around with his collar popped and earrings in both ears, I don’t know why people point that out. I mean, Jon Gosselin is a young guy. Really, he’s practically a 29 year old man. After all, he’s only 32.

And what about those Ed Hardy shirts he’s wearing and marketing? Those look like something a young, hip man like himself would wear, and why not? It’s not like Jon Gosselin is too old to wear something like that. I mean, he’s only 32.

Seriously…

Or like the fact that Jon Gosselin has eight kids. I don’t see why that’s such a big deal. He seems like an intelligent, virile man, so I don’t see why people are all hung up on the fact that he doesn’t get to see them as much anymore. I mean, young people have a lot of prospects and opportunities, and Jon Gosselin is only 32, so people should really lay off of him. I mean, he's only 32.

So, yeah, Jon Gosselin is only 32. He’s 32. He’s only 32. And if you think he’s not a good father, just listen to me. He’s only 32.

Thirty-two.

Movie Critic, Armond White, Writes To Make You Angry, And That’s Why You Love To Hate Him

2009-08-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

Image gotten from: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.filmmakermagazine.com/winter2004/features/images/critic.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.filmmakermagazine.com/winter2004/features/the_critic.php&usg=__afvQJRrQe751iT2Y2l8atS_oCtM=&h=279&w=300&sz=22&hl=en&start=1&um=1&tbnid=iLco5R7bZ5DYGM:&tbnh=108&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3DArmond%2BWhite%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1

I’m a movie critic. Well, not in the literal sense (Well, sometimes I am), but definitely in the figurative sense. Everybody is, really, from little kids (“TMNT rules! But Milo and Otis sucks!”), to adults (“Frost/Nixon was superior to Slumdog Millionaire”), we’re all inherently critics, feeling angry at people who don’t share our common views and high-fiving those who do. But movie critics, professional ones at least, are a different breed of people entirely.

You see, there’s a BIG difference between people who are passionate about movies and people who actually get PAID to talk shop about them. (In) famous movie critic, Roger Ebert, probably the most well-known critic in the field, is a prime example of this. Roger Ebert knows more about movies than anybody else you know, and he prides himself on the fact that he does.

While he does like a majority of the movies that the general public enjoys, sometimes, he’ll see a piece of garbage like Transformers 2 and say that it’s for Twilight loving retards (My words, not his), and people who liked the movie will get upset about that. In many ways though, those people probably ARE Twilight loving retards as Roger Ebert knows what he’s talking about because he’s seen better—much better—films than you have and is justified in his arguments; just as you’re justified in your arguments on what sidings are best for roofing or what kind of an exhaust is best for a Scion, or even, what’s the best way to clean off jizz from a porn booth. The fact of the matter is, watching movies is his JOB and he’s a pro at it. Wouldn’t YOU be if that was your main way of making lucre?

But then, you have movie critics like Armond White, who pretty much doesn’t like ANY of the movies that the general public likes just to go against the grain of the roaring masses. For my bets, it’s not because he actually DISLIKES any of the movies that he gives a bad rating to (How could he possibly dislike both Milk AND Slumdog Millionaire, two Oscar contenders, but approve of nonsense like Land of the Lost?), but because he wants to be the differing opinion just for the sake of being different—like something a child would do to make them sound more erudite or unique.

Honestly, I’m going to go the lengths to say that Armond White is not even a critic at all, at least, not in a professional sense, but rather, more a barometer of poor taste at best, and a subversive deviant at worst—one who, as Alfred says in The Dark Knight (Another movie that he loathed) “Just likes to watch the world burn.” That’s right, I’m comparing Armond White to the Joker, and in many ways, he is—the Joker of critics, at least.

Granted, I suffer a similar problem that most of his personal critics (And I mean critics of HIM, not of his colleagues) suffer in that I haven’t seen all of the movies that he’s lauded, as I didn’t watch Dance Flick or G.I. Joe. But I HAVE seen many of the movies that he’s hated upon and all I can say is that a professional movie critic shouldn’t be like you or me. A professional movie critic should actually be PROFESSIONAL.

What do I mean by this? Well, I’ll explain. A professional movie critic should not just applaud a movie because it features Will Farrell screaming or Damon Waynes in a fat suit, they should applaud them for what they do for cinema as a whole. As a professional, they should know more about the movie industry than the general public does, and when they’re grading these films, they should grade them on how they shake things up in Hollywood. They should talk about how the movie adds texture and depth to the overall climate of the zeitgeist, and how THIS particular movie is different than others you’ve seen in the past, thus, making it better than the drivel you’re likely to be drawn to because of the exciting trailer or the extravagant publicity going out for it. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Instead, Armond White is no better than your stoner friend who doesn’t like to read subtitles because he doesn’t want to “think” while he’s watching a movie. I’m not saying Mr. White is stupid or incapable of his job, I’m just saying that he writes to yank your chain and rile you up because he knows he has the power to do so. He doesn’t really LIKE Land of the Lost or G.I. Joe over Slumdog Millionaire or Ironman, or at least, I HOPE he doesn’t. He just says that because he knows you’ll hate it and flood his comment board on why he shouldn’t be a critic anymore or how he should (gulp) kill himself. Talk about vitriol.

Really, he just likes the attention. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, as it goes, and Armond White is certainly corrupted—by his power, by his title, and by his own right as a movie critic to make you think that a movie isn’t worth watching. Watch that Rotten Tomatometer fall, everybody! Armond White is on board! And he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. At least we all have a villain to gnash our teeth at now.

Black and White Cookies Will One Day Make Everything Right In This World

2009-08-12T09:12:00.001-07:00

I like cookies. Sugar cookies are my favorite, of course, as who doesn’t like chomping down on hot, sugary goodness in circle form (Cube form is good, too, you know)? Oatmeal raisins are ok, and chocolate chip has its place, too, but you know what cookie I just recently discovered? Black and White cookies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, Seinfeld already extolled upon the joys of Black and White’s and how they bring harmony and peace to the land of cookiedom, but I think they’re SOOOO good, that I think they deserve another shout-out.

Black and White cookies, if you didn’t already know, are made from the ingredients of good and delicious, and come from a factory run by attractive Asian supermodels. The black side is a dark flavored mix of sugar and black, which is good in its own right, and the white side, also has sugar, but is crunchier than black and a little lighter on the palate. The best part of black and white cookies though is the fact that you’re pretty much getting two cookies for the price of one. The thing is, I’m not so sure if the black part could go well on its own, and the white part is somewhat lacking that counter punch. But together, mixing in harmonious jungle fever, black and white make peace in the mouth, and also peace in the heart. Black and white cookies, I heart thou.

Here’s the aforementioned Jerry Seinfeld love I was tellin’ you about.

Taken Should NOT Be The Next Transporter

2009-08-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

Taken is pretty much the perfect action movie. I just saw it yesterday and it got me to remembering why I like action films again--Because they're loud, because they're fast, and because they usually feature badasses as their lead characters.

I didn't feel this way about the first Transporter, but I definitely felt this way about the second one. Then, I lost interest again in the third, but that's not the point. The point is, action films don't always need direct sequels to make that character viable, with Transporter 2 being the exception rather than the rule. Let's turn the attention back to Liam Neeson in Taken, though. Liam, aka Oskar Schindler, aka, Darkman, is a versatile actor who can pull off almost anything, even a CIA Agent with "a very specific set of skills." Now, the plot of Taken, if you haven't already seen it yet, is about a trained killer who sets off to rescue his daughter in France from Albanians who kidnapped her. Fine and good. But how do you make a sequel off of that? His daughter is kidnapped AGAIN? Maybe they should move her to Russia this time, or maybe, she could get kidnapped at college, or I don't know. The fact of the matter is, GOOD action movies don't need a sequel, and new, zany subplots are usually just forced upon the protagonists in those films when they make them.

Like the first Die Hard, for instance. Sure, Die Hard With a Vengeance was enjoyable (But not Die Harder, I'm afraid), but c'mon, the first one is still considered to pretty much be the perfect action film. Are the sequels really necessary? Couldn't the original be a stand alone movie? I mean, here's this story of some dick cop who gets caught in an unlikely situation and deals with it in a very Everyman sort of way. And he does it barefoot, even! Awesome, great, leave it at that. But no. Next, he has to be on a plane. And following that, he's in a taxi cab with Jules Winfield (Sam Jackson from Pulp Fiction, if you didn't catch the reference). Oh, and for a final picture, how about we make him indestructable, which he pretty much was in Live Free or Die Hard. The fact of the matter is, action films, mostly all of the ones that are successful on their first try anyway, suffer the same grating problem of sequelitus, and I don't think Taken deserves to suffer that same fate as the original is just TOO good.

What do you think, though? Thoughts on this one, action fans?

Troll 2 Is Better Than Citizen Kane

2009-08-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

Now, we all know that stuffy, uptight movie snobs like myself LOVE Citizen Kane. Even so, for all the Academy Award snubbed movies out there that I love, I ALSO love what pretty much everybody else would consider two shakes of a lamb’s crap and some baby vomit, most noticeably in films like Big Trouble in Little China, The Wizard, and Over the Top.

But I’ve been thinking about it lately, and I’ve really put some considerable thought into it (And yes, I realize I just said the same thing twice in a row but with different words) and I said, “Well, gee golly gee, Rich, what REALLY makes a good movie? Does it really have to involve a rich newspaper baron who realizes that all he ever really wanted out of life was his childhood back, or, could it be about a town called Nilbog (Goblin backwards)overrun by goblins?

Well, honestly, I think a good movie is any film that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and one that you can watch over and over and over again, ad nauseum without getting tired of it.

Well, if that’s the case, then let’s see, would I rather watch Citizen Kane, Orson Welles’ masterpiece that basically drew the ire of the entire entertainment industry for his criticism on William Randolph Hearst, or Troll 2, which features a whole group of actors who just learned their lines the day prior to shooting the movie? Let’s weigh it on the hand scale, shall we? Citizen Kane, well, I’ve seen it three times already, but don’t think I can ever watch it again. And Troll 2, which I’ve also seen three times already but want to see it a few hundred times more for good measure.

So, weighing it like THAT, I guess I’m going to have to go with Troll 2 then and say that it's the better film. Yep, I’m saying it loud and proud, Troll 2 is BETTER than Citizen Kane.

Judge for yourself, though by checking out these two trailers.

Citizen Kane

And

Troll 2

Agree, you do, don't you?

Can't Wait To See Willow When It Comes Out. What Year Is It Again? 1986, Right?

2009-08-04T18:15:00.000-07:00

Willow looks awesome. I mean, I've SEEN it already. I think I even have it on VHS somewhere. But thanks to YouTube, I can watch the trailer to Willow over and over and over again until my brain goes numb, and be like, WOWZAS, this movie looks GREAT!

Here's the trailer below. Can't wait for 1988:

Still Upset After All These Years That Bebop And Rocksteady Were Never In Any Of The TMNT Movies

2009-08-02T09:45:00.001-07:00

Bebop and Rocksteady to music enthusiasts around the world are different trends in Jazz and Reggae, respectively. But to TMNT fans, they were the warthog and the rhino minions of master Shredder, who were literally there from day one in the cartoon series. Any TMNT watcher back in the day will likely tell you that they were HUGE fans of these characters because they were both extremely powerful but also bumbling fools. This was the perfect foil for kids who might have been bullied by grunts just like these out on the playground. So, seeing the turtles rough them up real good was cathartic as we all probably had SOMEBODY picking on us at some point and time when we were younger. Yep, good times, good times, indeed. Bebop and Rocksteady were the PERFECT characters for the show.

So why weren’t they in any of the movies?

In the first TMNT film, I can understand why they weren’t there, as that movie was establishing the turtles and sticking them (Bebop and Rocksteady) in the movie would have been too many characters in too little time (A la, Spiderman 3). But what about the second movie? Why couldn’t the turtles fight them in that film? Instead, we got Tokka and Rahzar, a snapping turtle and a gray wolf, respectively. The only problems was, Tokka and Rahzar sucked. They had no charm. They were boring and they weren’t what the fans were looking for. Just check out Bebop and Rocksteady and Tokka and Rahzar below and TELL me that the former wouldn’t have been much better than the latter in the TMNT trilogy.

Exhibit A:

And sigh, Exhibit B:

Where’s The Cloak And Dagger Movie Already? And What About Moon Knight?

2009-07-31T10:30:00.000-07:00

I keep hearing ALL these rumors about there being a Black Panther movie in the works, or an Ant Man movie, or even a Luke Cage movie, but why Marvel, why? There are so many better Marvel characters out there to choose from the Mar. Like Cloak and Dagger, remember them? Dagger was the chick with the sexy outfit who could chuck beams of light that looked like daggers and Cloak was the black dude with the big, er, cloak who could put it around you and you could teleport to pretty much just about anywhere. They rocked in the comics, so why not on the screen? It could work. I mean, they made Elektra, didn’t they? I mean, that didn’t work (Though, it wasn’t as bad as say, Catwoman), but it was still made. So why not Cloak and Dagger?

And why not Moon Knight? Moon Knight is freaking AWESOME. He’s like Batman, but in white. And he thinks he’s being controlled by an Egyptian god or something. Fascinating. Other characters on the wish list are Namor (He’s like Aquaman, but cool), a sequel to Howard the Duck, and the Immortal Iron Fist. Who don’t I want to see? Well, anymore Hulk pictures, Thor, or another Wolverine movie. Okay, I get it, Hugh Jackman’s good looking. We don’t need another movie to reaffirm that. Marvel needs to see the big picture here. All the characters I just mentioned (Sans Howard the Duck, of course) could garner legitimate interest. ESPECIALLY Namor, if handled correctly. But who wants to see The Black Panther in action? Who wants to see Ant Man? Those characters suck. But what do you think, Marvel fans? Any thoughts on this matter at all?

Shaq On Raw Officially The Greatest Thing Ever

2009-07-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure the catch-phrase, "Boom Shaq-a-lacka" should be a part of our normal vernacular. Check out Shaq get dissed by Chris Jericho below.

Which Rocky Is Better? Rocky 1, Or Rocky IV?

2009-07-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

In one corner, you have an Oscar win, Rocky's first, "Adriaaaan!" and Apollo Creed.

In the other corner, you have America beating Communism, Rocky in the snow, and Dolph Lundgren running up a treadmill at an impossible incline.

Sure, the rematch with Apollo Creed in the second one is okay.

I guess.

And sure, Rocky fighting Mr. T is pretty nifty in the third one (Choice line from that movie: "Ring the bell, Apollo," Apollo's response? "Ding, Ding"), but neither can match the intensity, the originality, or the balls to the walls awesomeness of either of those two.

And let's not even talk about Rocky V. And Rocky Balboa was just plain ridiculous.

So, which one was better? Rocky I, or Rocky IV?

Rocky I

Rocky IV

Dissecting The Mangina

2009-07-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

Silence of the Lambs is a good movie, but one scene in general ALWAYS leaves an impression on me:

See, even Jay does it:

And this guy:

I guess it’s called a Mangina. Well, alright then!

The Vast Differences Between Zubaz And Parachute Pants

2009-07-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

Since fashion is a VERY important part of my life (Yeeeeaaahhhh, riiiiight), I thought I would talk about a topic that is very near and dear to me—Zubaz pants. I wear Zubaz pants. And even though they went out of style like, let’s say, 15 years ago, I still wear them proudly. In fact, I just wore them last night to an Indian restaurant, and I think I fit in just fine.

But you know what I DON’T like? People confusing them with parachute pants. Zubaz are NOT, I repeat, are NOT parachute pants. Zubaz are nothing LIKE parachute pants. But you know what I get all the time when I slip on a pair of peppermint candy colored Zubaz? I get, “Hey, you look like MC Hammer. Could you do that dance? You know, the one where you spread out your legs and shuffle left to right? I’ll go, ohhhh, ohhhhh, when you do it. C’mon, man, don’t be a douche. Do it!”

But that’s not right because, as I said before, Zubaz are NOT parachute pants.

Zubaz (Pronounced, Zoo-buzz, not Zoo-baaz), were originally created by some meathead bodybuilders who thought (And this quote is merely steeped in speculation and is NOT an actual quote), “Hey, my thighs are getting bigger from all this juicin’, but my pants stay the same size. But if these pants could stretch…”

And thus we had Zubaz pants, which sold $100 million worth of products in 1991 alone. That means that you probably had a pair of them back in the day. And that also means that you probably STILL have a pair of them (Unless you gave them away to the homeless) in your closet somewhere but refuse to wear leopard colored pants in public anymore. Coward.

And then, there are parachute pants. Popularized by Senor Hammer, parachute pants are actually kinda like reverse bell bottoms in that they get tight at the ankles, but more and more expansive the higher up you go. That’s what gives them that, “Whoa, his legs just got magical,” appearance to them. Parachute pants are cool and all, and I’d rock them if I could actually find a pair. But they’re NO Zubaz. I could get MARRIED (and will, if my snufflelovetokiss will allow me to) in Zubaz pants. But the best I could do in some parachute pants is dance to Rick James samples or jump out of an airplane in just my pants.

So Zubaz, cool, parachute pants, also cool, but not as bold.

Hope that clears some things up. And stop asking me to dance, dammit…

Fashion Week, 2009, in New York City (I wish)

Parachute pants at their finest

I Just Recently Found Out That Jeremy Piven And Jon Favreau Are Not The Same Person

2009-07-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Jeremy Piven and Jon Favreau are NOT the same person? I didn’t know that. Not until like, a month ago.

But you know WHY I probably didn’t know that? Because I’ve been interchanging their names back and forth over the years and NOBODY HAS CORRECTED ME! You stinking jerks. How could you do that to me? I’ve been making this mistake for years now in front of tens of, um, tens of strangers and nobody’s told me, “Hey, Rich, you really are quite dull if you actually think those two people are the same actor. They don’t even LOOK the same.”

But what’s the deal, huh?! HUH?!?! Why didn’t you TELL me I didn’t make any sense when I’d say things like:

Yeah, Jeremy Piven, he directed Iron Man.

Oh, Jon Favreau? Yeah, I like him. He plays Ari Gold on Entourage.

But that’s not true!

Why have SO many people LET me say these things out loud and not corrected me?
Take a look at the two of them below and TELL me you wouldn’t get them confused, too. Just tell me!

Jeremy Piven

Jon Favreau

I swear, man, they’re like the gosh dern Super Mario Twins.

Many Claim My Fan-Fiction Version of Twilight Is Even Better Than The Original

2009-07-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Fact: Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series is a massive success. Also a fact, some have gone on to say that my fan-fiction version of her story is even better than the original.

You see, my version has kind of a sci-fi feeling to it. The story starts off with these astronauts (One of them named Edward Cullen) who walk out of their space pod and see this giant black obelisk in the middle of nowhere. In the next chapter, Edward Cullen is an ape and he wanders the territory for about twenty paragraphs before he encounters another ape. The two apes fight and Edward beats the other one with a bone. Edward then throws the bone into the air and when the next chapter starts off, the bone becomes a space ship. Pretty neat, huh?

I don’t want to spoil any more of the story, but Edward winds up being isolated on this space ship with a hyper intelligent computer named HAL, er, I mean, BELLA 9000, and Edward, in a heart-wrenching scene, winds up having to disconnect BELLA and in her death throes, she sings, “Daaiiisy...Daaaaissy, give me your answer, do..." It’s really quite a masterpiece and I’m going to let you in on a little secret. It was actually published and made into a movie in the late 60s, which is before I was born by at least a decade and some silver dollars, but I guess my fan-fiction version of Twilight was so amazing that an older version of me time traveled to the past and optioned off the script.

Here’s a clip of the movie version of said script below.

It should be noted that in Europe and around the world, my fan-fiction version of Twilight is called 2001: A Space Odyssey and I go by the pen name Arthur C. Clarke. But that’s just small potatoes. So, what do you think?

Why Do All The Movies Suck This Summer?

2009-07-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

Why have their seriously only been like, what, three really good movies this entire summer—Up, Drag Me To Hell, and just recently, this latest Harry Potter? I mean, Star Trek was okaaaay, but seriously? This is pathetic!

And while I know summer is usually filled with nothing but mindless fluff, I just thought that after last year’s spellbinding picks, with Hellboy 2 (FAR superior to the first one), Iron Man, and the big daddy of them all, The Dark Knight, we would at LEAST be turning in a new direction as far as summer flicks are concerned. I mean, even Hancock was better than half the crap that’s come out this summer. And Hancock was just *teeters hand*.
Anyway, for no real reason whatsoever, here’s a clip of Vigo from Ghostbusters 2. The best 80s movie (Next to Big Trouble in Little China) of all time. Enjoy.

Year Late Obituary For White Mike

2009-07-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

So, my girlfriend and I were talking last night about old TV shows, and she talked about Dawson’s Creek, which I told her that I’ve never seen an episode of in my entire life.

She was disappointed in me.

“YOU? Mr. Pop Culture,” she said, “YOU’VE never seen an episode of Dawson’s Creek?”

“No,” I responded. “The misadventures of Madam Scientology, Pacey, and that jerk from Varsity Blues never impressed me,” I told her. “But you know what show I LOVED back in the day on the WB? The Waynes Bros.”

And I really did. The Waynes Bros. was one of my all time favorite shows back when I was a kid. It was around that time period that I used to watch a whole lot of what I’d guess you’d call, “black shows.” This wasn’t intentional, of course, i.e., it wasn’t just because I was black and all, but because I watched nothing but FOX as a kid. And believe it or not current viewers of House and Bones, but FOX, aside from The Simpsons and Married With Children was , I’m going to say, like, 89% black back in the day, no lie. In Living Color, Living Single, Martin, Roc. I mean, FOX was UPN before UPN was UPN. It was like BET but on public television. The only thing blacker was that black ass, Wesley Snipes.

But I digress.

Anyway, so I LOVED The Waynes Bros., and one character in particular—White Mike, played by none other than Mitch Mullany, who died last year on May 25th from a Diabetes related stroke.

Now, maybe you never watched The Waynes Bros. (Jerk), and maybe you never saw his film, The Breaks (Me neither). But you just MIGHT have seen him on the show, Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher, where he played a (Excuse my redundancy) licensed teacher who…I forget now. I haven’t seen the show in like, seven years. But it was good, and I think he deserves your respect.

Anyway, to Mitch! May White Mike rest in peace. He died at age 39, so he was young. Very young.

Why Does The Black Guinea Pig In G-Force Have To Actually BE Black?

2009-07-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

Image courtesy of: 1freewallpaper.com

In the new piece of garbage movie coming out with Jerry Bruckheimer’s name on it, there’s a saucy black Guinea Pig named Blaster, played by Tracy Morgan in it. Fine and good. I like him. He’s pretty hilarious on 30 Rock. That’s cool, that’s cool.

But why does the Guinea Pig have to actually BE black? I mean, sure, everybody KNOWS that it’s Tracy Morgan as how could it not be? His voice is so distinct.

But what’s with the color coordinating? This is almost as bad as Trini, the Asian Power Ranger getting the yellow suit, and Zack, the black Power Ranger, getting the black suit.

I mean, is it REALLY all that necessary? I mean, c’mon, I already KNOW he’s black and I already KNOW she’s Asian, so do they REALLY need to carry their colors literally on their sleeves?

I know it shouldn’t bother me, and normally, I’m all ABOUT being anti-Al Sharpton, and anti-Oh, it’s because he’s black. But after seeing Skids and Mudflap in the latest Transformers movie, all I can ask is, WTF Hollywood? I mean, it was bad enough that they used ignorant black Transformers (And yes, that’s what they were, just as Jazz was the “Street black” Transformer in the last one) as comic relief. But now we have to have the (and I hate this term) “jive-talking” Guinea Pig in this latest movie be the black one? I mean, what’s with all the stereotyping in these kids films? Like Beverly Hills Chihuahua, what the hell was that about? Heeeey, esssse! I mean, seriously, chill with that crap, H wood.

Seriously, is the only place I can actually find respectable minorities in stuff like The Great Debaters? Because I don’t want to see that! Oprah likes that junk, and believe you me, I don’t like what Oprah likes. Not one bit.
Anywho, maybe I’m overreacting, but what do you think?

Oh, and just because Zack was awesome (Warning: DMX potty mouth lyrics ensue)

And because Trini was amazing and hot:

Disney’s Next Animated Movie Should Be Even MORE Old School

2009-07-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Picture courtesy of: Filmschoolrejects.com

Disney’s next movie, The Princess and the Frog, looks old school. Like, Aladdin, The Lion King, and Beauty and the Beast old school. But you know what Disney should REALLY do? They should kick it even MORE old school, like, The Sword in the Stone, and The Aristocats, old school. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. That grainy kinda old school. The kind I always hated back in the day but really cherish today.

Now, that’s not to say that I don’t LIKE the 90s era Disney pics, as I do, I really do. But I think a big problem with those movies, great as they were, is that they became too princess oriented. Yeah, I know, I know, Disney’s all ABOUT the princesses, with Cinderella and Snow White being prime examples. But I like that middle ground period in between where Disney was making sing along tales of famous books like The Jungle Book and Alice in Wonderland. There’s just something about them, you know? There’s just something...hmm…classy (Yeah, that’s the word!) about them. Maybe it’s because I have them on VHS somewhere in my attic. Or maybe it’s because it represents a time just before I started liking films. Whatever it is, after this next movie, Disney should really take it back one step further. Check out exhibit A and exhibit B below and tell me what you think.

Why Is The Saw Music Playing At The End Of The Trailer For Richard Kelly's New Movie?

2009-07-19T09:56:00.001-07:00

Poster courtesy of: scifiwire.com

Has anybody seen Richard Kelly's (The director of Donnie Darko) new trailer for the movie, The Box?

It looks pretty mundane, but I have just one question: Why is the Saw music playing at the end of the trailer? Take a listen.

My Man-Crush: The Top Four Most Smoldering Alan Rickman Roles

2009-07-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

You know how many Alan Rickman movies I’ve seen? Four. That’s it. You may notice that the title of this article is the four most smoldering Alan Rickman roles, and you’d probably think that I’ve actually SEEN more than four Alan Rickman movies, but no, you’d be wrong.

But what does that matter? I’m not gay or anything (And of course, I have to offer the obligatory, “Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay”), but Alan Rickman is one sexy actor. Every dude has one—sexy actor, that is. Some guys say it’s Hugh Jackman—“Hey, I’m not gay or anything, but Hugh Jackman’s pretty hot.” And some say it’s Ryan Reynolds. But for me, no, it’s Alan Rickman. There’s just something about how he delivers those lines like he’s pissed off at everybody in the Post Office and he wants everybody to hear it so he enunciates. And I think that’s what makes him so sexy, the fact that he enunciates. Enunciation is a very important part of the English language, I hope you know, and too many times, we tend not to do it. Just listen to me talk for instance. “Do you have memamena?” What? They’ll ask. “I said, do you have any spoons! God, what are you, deaf?!” And so on, and so forth.
So here they are, the top four most smoldering Alan Rickman roles (With clips!). Hope you don’t melt in your seat.

4. Metatron (from Dogma)

Alan Rickman….in a Kevin Smith movie…I’m just glad Mr. Rickman wasn’t saying lines like, “dick….faht…”. That kind of would have killed the smoldering appeal for me. But Rickman, as an angel, was pretty alluring. He, along with Jay, Silent Bob, and Salma Hayek, save the world from a maniacal Ben Affleck. How could you possibly go wrong? Check out the clip below. Warning, naughty language abounds.

3. Professor Severus Snape (From the Harry Potter series)

When I first the saw the first Harry Potter movie, I hadn’t read any of the books yet, so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I saw Alan Rickman take on the role of the sinister seeming, Severus Snape. Believe it or not, though, after reading the books, Rickman is probably the ONLY character in the cast I would have changed, as he doesn’t fit the role. And that’s because J.K. Rowling makes Snape out to be an unctuous, petulant jerk, not the super sexy, enunciating badass that Rickman really is. Seriously, Rickman is the best part of these movies, and I think you can judge the quality of the films the more he’s in it. I mean, just look at this most recent film. The Rickman to Radcliffe ratio is not as high as it could be, but the title alone shows that…wait, I don’t want to spoil it for you if you haven’t seen the movie yet. So, go see it. It’s good! Go for the magic, stay for the Rickman.

2. Hans Gruber (From Die Hard)

Okay, now we’re getting into serious Alan Rickman territory. This is probably the role he’s MOST known for, just because he’s such a jerk in it. My favorite part of the movie? When Rickman’s just about to kill Bruce Willis (Or so he thinks), and he’s like, “What was that line you said again? Yippie-Ki-yay, motherf***er?” But it’s in his totally thick accent, so it’s awesome. And then, what follows is probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen put to celluloid—the two of them start laughing about it. This is of COURSE before Bruce Willis knocks Alan Rickman out a window. Oh, Rickman. Only you can make plummeting to your death from a building look appealing.

1.Judge Turpin (From Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)

Wait, Johnny Depp was in this movie, too, right? I almost forget sometimes since Alan Rickman was so smoldering in it. My favorite part of this film is not the obvious one, where he and Johnny (And yes, we’re on a first name basis now), are singing together about the same girl while Rickman’s getting a shave. It’s when Rickman’s rat looking assistant, Timothy Spall, is singing to him about how, and I quote, “ladies my, Lord, are weeeeak.” Rickman’s face through the whole scene is priceless, simply priceless. Watch below. You WILL be impressed.

Why Does Everybody In High Definition Move So Freaking Fast?

2009-07-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

So, I hung out with my friends the other night, and one of them has this reeeeeally nice television in their house. I mean, we’re living in the future, nice. So anyway, he turned on the TV and Entourage was on, and the first thing we all did was pick our jaws up off the floor when we saw how crystalline clear the screen was. I mean, you might have HD, too, (I mean, pretty much EVERYBODY has it now after the switch) but you DON’T have it like this, I promise you that. Well, it was so clear that we all just sat there and gawked at the quality of the picture and how fat Turtle looked in Super HD for a few seconds. But then, something happened. The characters started moving.

Now, normally, this isn’t a big deal as people move all the time. I mean, I move, my cat moves, and hey, you may even be moving right now to click away from this article, but don’t! I warn you, fair television owner, don’t, because HD is the devil. Or, if not the devil, then definitely his skeevy, Uncle Tom, because HD sucks for one simple fact—It makes everybody move around like they have an Eggo Waffle stuck up their ass. Yeah, that’s right, I said it, an Eggo Waffle, because only an Eggo Waffle could make somebody move THAT fast.

Chase was FLYING across the screen, moving his arms up and down so fast that it looked like he was trying to create a tornado in the air like the Flash. And man, Jeremy Piven! I mean, he’s usually manic enough in regular D, but can you imagine how spastic he looks when he’s put through that High Definition distribution? He looked like he was doing interpretive dance he was moving around so much. My best friend even commented on it. He was like, “Yo, he looks like he’s dancing!”

“Yo, he looks like he’s dancing,” is right. I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on here with HD? Why does everything move around so freaking fast? Have you noticed this phenomenon, too? I mean, it’s pretty hard not to, as you start to almost get nauseous if you really focus on it too much. But, and I’ll admit it since it happened to me, if you sit through it long enough, you might almost even forget it’s happening. That is, of course, until somebody new walks into the room and says, “Yo, why are they moving so fast?”

Why, indeed? Any egghead scientists out there have any idea why this is? My friends say it might be one of the settings on my friend’s TV, but oh no, I’m not buying that. I’ve seen it on other HD televisions, too. Any thoughts on this anybody?

Why Bruno Is About Ten Times Better Than Borat

2009-07-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

I know what you’re looking to know. Is Bruno better than Borat? Well, yah, of course it is, who told you otherwise? You shouldn’t be friends with that person. That person is wrong, dead wrong. And they’re probably wrong about a lot of things, too, as Bruno is TEN times funnier than Borat. And here are ten reasons why (BEWARE: Spoilers ahead! Eent, eent, eent, eent, EENT, EENT,EENT, EENT, Dun, Dun…DUN DUN—Oh, and if you’re wondering what all that nonsense “EENT” stuff is, it’s the scary music in Psycho, duh. I would have thought that was obvious).

10. Mexican chairs!: Okay, I should probably say LABOR UNION chairs to be more PC, but they’re clearly supposed to Mexican in the movie. And Paula Abdul sits on one of them…while talking about being a Humanitarian. Are you beginning to understand why this is ALREADY funnier than Borat by like, a power level of 1000?

9. Scooter!: If you don’t know the music stylings of Scooter, then what are you still living for? Scooter is pretty popular in the German side of the world (SCOOOOTEEEER!, Boom boom boom boom), and it’s the kind of Eurotrash music you’d expect to hear in a funkyzeit movie like Bruno. But not as the opening music! How great is that? For the uninitiated, please partake in Scooter below.

8. “I ain’t neither one of them, I’m Donny.”: I’m sure you’ve already seen the camping scene in the commercial, but let me tell you, it’s SO much funnier than that scene looks in the actual moie. At one point, Bruno, in the middle of the night, walks up to one of the other camper’s tents butt naked and says, and I paraphrase, A bear ate all my stuff and only left a box of condoms, can I sleep in your tent? I don’t care if Borat popularized, “Sexy time!” That’s Play School humor (Play School humor?) in comparison. This movie is the naz.

7. Pygmy sex: Very early on in the movie, Bruno talks about the love of his life—a pygmy who kind of looks like Tattoo from Fantasy Island. The scene, if it can be believed, is about as pornographic as any gay porn I’ve put on my friend’s computer as a prank in the past. I mean, he spins the pygmy in circles on his junk. How hilarious is that? Pretty hilarious, by the way. Pri-tee, hilarious. You gotta see it to be a believer.

6. Bruno goes down on the ghost of the dead Milli Vanilli member: In one of the strangest scenes I’ve ever seen in ANY movie (More so than Borat thinking that Jews can transform into cockroaches, even), is Bruno, for inspiration, going to a psychic who can channel spirits. He wants to know what to do next in the movie, to advance the plot and what not, so he talks to the ghost of the dead Milli Vanilli member for God knows what reason, and then pantomimes french kissing, oral sex, and…well…I don’t even know how to describe it, but it involves the spreading of butt cheeks and a tongue (Actually, that was pretty much how to describe it. I don’t know why I thought I couldn’t), all while the guy in the background just tries to look away from the camera so Bruno can go down on his invisible friend. I’ll admit, it’s not as funny as Borat walking in on Azimat jerking off to Pamela Anderson and the naked fight that ensued, but that was the funniest part of that movie and I’m only on number 6 of this list for THIS MOVIE. I think that’s saying a lot.

5. Bruno talks to a terrorist: In a very bizarre scene, Bruno, in the middle east (THE MIDDLE EAST! A flamboyantly gay guy in the middle east! Can you imagine how ballsy that is? This guy is fearless!), talks to a terrorist and says Osama should shave his beard because he looks like a dirty wizard or Santa Claus. I mean, it’s something we’re ALL thinking, but would you ever SAY that to a terrorist? The funniest thing is, the terrorist asks what Bruno just said and it’s translated verbatim, and the terrorists simply says, “Get Out.” I don’t care HOW outrageous you think Borat was, it can’t compare to a scene like that. I even feared for Sasha Baron Cohen’s life. And this is a comedy! That’s just plain crazy, man. Just, plain, crazy.

4. Bruno goes to Africa, and comes back with a baby, a tusk, and an elephant foot: If you’ve seen the commercials or trailers, then you’ve already seen Bruno take a black baby out of a box at the airport. But what you DIDN’T see is Bruno also take an elephant tusk and a foot off the conveyor belt, too. Ha! A foot?! Where do you get elephant FEET?! What kind of monster would DO that to an elephant? Ha! I’m sorry, but that’s taking funny to a whole new level. A foot? Ha!

3. Bruno calls people who live in Africa, African Americans: Bruno goes on the Richard Bey show (He’s still on?) and while talking to the audience calls people of Africa, African Americans. But that’s not the funny part. The FUNNY part is that Bruno actually argues WITH A BLACK PERSON that they’re wrong when they say that people from Africa are not called African Americans. Who does that? Seriously, who does that?

2. “Who just called Straight Dave a faggot?!”: News is, Sasha Baron Cohen actually got in big trouble for a scene near the end when he staged a phony mixed martial arts type fight called, “Straight Dave’s” (And seriously, how could ANYBODY possibly think something called, “Straight Dave’s” could actually be real?). Well, in the scene, before any actual fighting occurs, Bruno, dressed in full redneck garb, asks the audience what they think of homosexuals, and somebody says (I’m paraphrasing here) Straight Dave’s a faggot! To which “Straight Dave” asks, “Who called Straight Dave a faggot?” and it turns out to be his former fling who comes up inside the ring and then they start MAKING OUT AND TAKING OFF EACH OTHER’S CLOTHES IN THE RING!

Funny.

What’s even funnier though is that line: “Who just called Straight Dave a faggot?!” I’m going to be saying that line for years to come. I know it.

And finally.

1.An exclusive interview with Harrison Fooooooord!: Now, I’m pretty sure I’ve NEVER laughed as hard as I did in the movies at this last scene. Bruno, who’s interested in having a new show just so he can become famous, shows images SO extreme to a test audience that I can’t believe that the movie wasn’t rated NC-17. In the scene, there’s…well, I’m going to call it a propeller penis, and a shot that I’m pretty sure brings the camera DIRECTLY into the hole of the penis, only to have some burly man who probably rides one of those bicycles with the one giant wheel and the one tiny wheel, say BRUNO! And he says it when the camera goes directly inside the hole. I cried at that scene. Cried, for like, twelve minutes. And then, to top it all off, Bruno says, “And now, for my exclusive interview with Harrison Fooooooord,” while wearing Indiana Jones garb, and the interview basically just consists of Harrison Ford walking out of some bistro and saying, “Fuck off.” And THAT’S his interview. Never in history has one scene been SO consistently hilarious. I mean, I’m crying right now WRITING this. I’ve never seen anything funnier in my life.

And THAT’S why Bruno is ten times funnier than Borat. Pound for pound, it’s just funnier in the funniest sections, and I didn’t even TALK about some of the other outrageous scenes. Seriously, go see this movie. One hundred percent better that Borat. Barbara Walters, you’re an idiot.

Brock Lesnar Is The Modern Day Ivan Drago

2009-07-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

Brock Lensar is a beast monster. Did you see Brock take on Frank Mir at this past UFC 100 event? He pounded the ever living, Gobstopping snot out of him. I mean, like, POW, BAM, ARE YOU STILL BREATHING, BECAUSE I DON’T CARE, crap out of him. It was unbelievable, and then Brock gave the audience the finger. Two of them, actually, right up in the air, which was pretty much like him telling the fans to bite him if they don’t like his brash style of beat-downs.

And you know what I thought when I saw that? I thought, this guy seems like the modern day Ivan Drago from Rocky IV if you ask me.

And if you’re actually asking me, WHO THE HELL IS IVAN DRAGO? I WAS BORN IN THE 90’S, DAMMIT! SPEAK ENGLISH! Then check out this clip below. You WILL become a believer.

Now, if you just watched that clip and are still wondering how Brock Lesnar is the modern day Ivan Drago, well, he is in many ways. Let me just take you on a brief introspective.

First of all, much like Ivan Drago was pretty much the most indestructible character in the (fictional) world, Brock is pretty much the most indestructible character in the real world. Nobody in the UFC, I don’t care WHO you pit against him, can beat him. At 6 ft 3 and 265 lbs, Brock can seismically take down a wildebeest if he has to. And he probably does so, just for fun, on his off days. Similarly, Ivan Drago was so powerful and indestructible, that running on a normal treadmill incline just wasn’t enough for him. Oh, no, he had to run at an incline of like, 40,000, to get a good workout. And did you see him punch those energy meters? He’s punching at like, 2150 power. That’s 2149 plus one more power than regular punches at oddly made energy meters! No wai!

Next up on the comparison list is the aesthetics, as the two goons look almost exactly alike. Ivan looks like Brock minus a turkey shoved in between his cheeks, and Brock looks like Ivan if only he went on Nutrisystem. It’s a very convincing argument, no? (NO, you say?! Well, I never!)

But finally, the two of them are hella trash talkers. Before the UFC 100 fight, Brock was constantly talking about how Mir wouldn’t win this time as he was going to kick his butt from here to Okinawa (My words, not his) for beating him the first time. And Ivan also trash talks, going up right in Rocky’s face and saying, “I must break you.” Damn, that’s ballsy.

But if you still don’t believe me, just watch these clips below and TELL me that the two don’t look like they could be blood spittin’ cousins. Just tell me! I dare you! I double dare you, mother trucker! Watch below.

Ivan

Brock